So Pretty.... so Many Tears

This book was written out of the feelings and some of the mostsadness out of the depths of my heart and soul. It contains feelingsfrom different times and many events of my life. So Pretty, SoMany Tears has poems from many different emotions I have feltthroughout my life. Some of the poems that are written in this bookwere written when I was 16 years old, although I have been writingsince I was much younger, when I had already been physically andemotionally abused! Then I lost "e;The Love Of My Life."e; I fell inlove with Tony when I was 12 years old. We got together when Iwas 16 and then we separated for a few years because of my family.We got back together when I turned 24 and he was 25 years old. Acouple of days before he turned 27 years old, he passed away; yes,I lost my love, I lost my life, hence I lost my mind. When I finallygave my whole self to him and finally stopped worrying about whatmy family felt about him. Ever since then I have been truly going through years of so much denial ofhis death, self conviction and guilt over what happened and how it happened. I sank into the "e;Abyssof my empty soul,"e; and I didn't want to be found because I knew deep inside if I found myself deepwithin my secretly wounded heart, I would realize and find out that I lost the only love I had ever had.He was my only friend and I knew that I would lose my mind if I ever lost him. There was no waythat I wanted to live in this ugly world without him by my side, and I had told him that I would neverbe afraid of anything not even the end of the world, so long as he was there by my side even whenthe end of the world was occurring. I have been abused most of my life, first by my mother, then bymy older brother, then later on when I got married to someone else other than my true love; I wentthrough some inner hell tortures as well as physical tortures, with my husband always on drugs, suchas heroine, crystal meth, and crack cocaine; when I didn't even know what all that stuff was or whatit did to someone. Anyhow, the book contains all of my dreadful, melancholic, horrific details of justhow much I had lost my mind. For I truly did lose my mind when Tony left my world. The only thingI had to stay alive for was my children that I already had and when "e;The One I Loved"e; left my world,I went insane but I didn't even know it, and neither did anyone else for that matter. I really didn'tknow how to handle living life without Tony. I needed to learn how to live again not only for myselfbut for my children, and the book does indeed hold the deepest fears, tears, and loves in my life. Thebook contains so many feelings tears and love and as one person put it, "e;So Pretty So Many Tears"e;when the tears wouldn't stop and how I couldn't stop thinking of and wanting to die! Like I said, Iactually really lost my mind. There are many different poems in this book; some are regarding abuse,death, love, reincarnation and even living with physical pain as I do now and have been ever since theyear of 2001; it seems as if once the denial stopped and the admission of Tony being dead occurred,the pain and suffering I had secretly been feeling in my heart and my soul, suddenly spurted out ofme and showed and was now felt physically. For the secret I was holding within me was the secretI withheld even from my own self and that was that Tony was dead. I was full of secrets all of mylife, first I held the secret from my family the love I had for Tony; he was my secret love. Then, Iheld the biggest secret from myself; the death of Tony's body but not the death of my love for him.There are also some poems from my granddaughter Vanessa Espitia and from two of my daughters,Desiree Grace and Princess Anna, both of whom I encourage to write all their thoughts and feelingsfrom their heart, if that is what they want to do. Most of my 12 children are blessed with the talentsof writing and art; along with some of my grandchildren.So Pretty