Don't Touch the Nuts

Whether it's the seat that's always saved for the local Old Boy, the decor that looks like it's been bought in a job lot from the 'heavy dark red fabric' shop, or the quiz team who insist on calling themselves 'Norfolk in Chance' for the hundredth time, British pubs follow a set of bizarre and baffling rules that are second nature to most pub fans but confuse the hell out of tourists. Former "e;GQ"e; editor and pub aficionado Daniel Ford casts a light on these hidden rules and answers such questions as: Do all real ale drinkers have to sport beards? Why has every country pub had at least one king, queen or ghost stay there? Is half a shandy ever an acceptable drink? Why shouldn't you stand in the middle space of an empty pub urinal? If you win three quid in the quiz machine, why are you expected to buy a round for everyone in the pub? And, most importantly, just why shouldn't you touch the nuts?!