Vampire Apocalypse

"He sunk his 6-inch fangs into her skull. Blood sprayed out. He tossed his head back and laughed as she screamed. He couldn't help it. What fun What deliciously unclean fun "

Azriel Creed has gotten fat since slaughtering all the zombies.

During the past year he's lived a life of leisure - drinking, partying, and ignoring the blood-thirsty monsters his race was bred to hunt and kill. His sedentary lifestyle made him flabby and out-of-shape. He has to hold his breath just to tie his shoes. He gets winded merely walking up and down stairs. And he's more concerned about pleasing his bitchy, iPhone-addicted girlfriend than his destiny as the most ruthless assassin of evil beings who has ever lived.

But Azriel's charmed way of life is cut short when an insane vampire obsessed with skinning people alive is resurrected and sends his dark agents after him. In order to survive, Azriel is forced to team up with a violent, sex-crazed grandma who constantly lusts after him, and a 5,000-year-old vampire who can't piss because of prostate problems, and who spends all his time either tormenting his concubine or trying to kill himself.

While Azriel struggles to stay alive and battles enemies both new and old, he soon discovers he's the only one who can stop an evil that has existed since before the days of Noah from turning the world into a literal apocalyptic hell on earth.