How I Lost Myself

I was a girl from the Mississippi pines who loved the pond and the smell of cedar. My descent began in 2009 when I used Adderall to chase intensity and fill the silence left after my friends went to college. I entered a relationship that felt like clarity but was actually total control.I lost my autonomy, eventually bowing to a man who dictated my every move and thought. To survive, I developed a detached, calculated mindset I named "e;Lucifer"e;. This internal voice became my co-pilot, numbing my emotions until I could sit in a room and feel nothing.My choices led me to prison, but even the locked doors didn't immediately wake me up; I simply planned to be "e;smarter"e; about my mindset. The true breaking point came when I realized my daughter was absorbing my fear and learning to be small to keep the peace. For her sake, I left and moved back to my mother's house.I am now reclaiming the "e;girl from the pond,"e; drawing on the legacy of my best friend Kayla and my Papaw's unconditional strength. I am not what happened to me; I am the person who chose to find her way back.