The Loss of Substance: Stories and Notes on Addiction

I am a slow learner when it comes to giving up what is bad for me, slow beyond reason, probably the last of the last when forced to give up a bad habit. I don't do it voluntarily and I don't do it rationally. I give up what is bad for me only when faced with no alternative, like knocking on death's door. And I am not exaggerating here as I am (so I am told) sometimes prone to. When I look back at the trail of bad habits I have left behind me as I have aged, it does not speak well of me. It is clear that I don't learn by reasoning, by reading, or being told (even by a doctor) that this or that is bad for me. When it comes to my bad habits, only at the last possible moment do I change, and even then I insist on being rational, scientific, using trial and error, and god-knows-what else. I try each habit until the last dog dies. I want to be certain it is bad for me and I leave no stone unturned.