Dead-End Lovers

Establishing and maintaining a meaningful, satisfying, and enduring intimate relationship can be elusive for many people. Time and again, they are drawn to lovers with whom the relationship is futile, ending with hurt feelings and regrets. In this work, Nina Brown shares her longtime experience as a professional counselor to help those who ask: Why do I keep picking unsuitable lovers? Brown calls them dead-end lovers, and in this work she shows us, not only how to spot them early and avoid them, but also what it is—what psychological needs we have —that attracts us to them.

Guided by decades of counseling those with relationship problems, Brown includes 17 clear signals of unsuitability, and tells us how to spot the five types of unsuitable lovers: Hurting and Needy, Risk-Taking and Rebellious, Charming and Manipulative, Self-absorbed, or Exotic and Different. To help us understand why we are drawn to them, she explains the personal psychological lures and attractions we may have—from Being a Saver, to Searching for Excitement, Craving Attention and Admiration, Finding a Mirror, and Rebellion against Convention. She also explains why entering into a relationship expecting to change another person is most often just an exercise in futility.

Perhaps most important, Brown details how we can move ahead and find true intimacy by pinpointing the components of a satisfying and meaningful intimate relationship, increasing interpersonal effectiveness, strengthening our psychological boundaries, resisting lures, managing emotions, and becoming aware of potential personal romantic illusions.