Lost Love

How ashamed I am of you and myself, and how confused I am! I do not want to resume the connection between you and me after it has been cut off for such a long time, and I do not find the way to do that easy or paved, so I hesitate and become confused, and I present before my hands and yours, introductions and excuses that are no substitute for the truth, and do no more than represent my shame and dismay at this hideous truth that I face. Then my soul becomes intensely constricted for her, and my heart disgusts her with the greatest disgust, and yet I look at her with distaste, so I look for a long time, and I think about her despite that with regret, and I think for a long time, as if I find pleasure in the pain I feel, and bliss and joy in the torment I feel, which is that I am a traitor, treacherous, selfish, and helpless. I forgot you when I was happy, and I remembered you when ghosts of misery began to appear to me. Taha Hussien